Transcript
Speaker 1:
Welcome to the Adopting and Fostering Home podcast. Whether your family has been on this journey for years, or you’re just getting started, we’re here to support and encourage you along the way. And now your hosts, Lynette Ezell and Tera Melber.
Lynette Ezell:
Hi and welcome back to the Adopting and Fostering podcast. I’m Lynette Ezell. I’m joined today as always by my dear friend Tera Melber. We each are the mother of six children, and we each have three adopted children. Tera, we’ve been doing this together for 15 years.
Tera Melber:
Very long time
Lynette Ezell:
A very long time. And together with our husbands we were asked by the Lord to broaden our tent, to widen our home, and I know with that to bring in older children, smaller children, foster, to adopt, can bring some fears.
Tera Melber:
It really can. And we have to not be fearful when the Lord asks us to be obedient to something that He’s prompting our heart to do. We have to just say yes Lord. And be prepared to do whatever. That doesn’t mean we’re going to have all the answers on the front end, but it does mean that we’re prepared to be obedient. That’s how the Lord asks us to show our love for Him is to choose to obey and trust.
Lynette Ezell:
And you know, we talk often about just that the simple people God calls out in His word, you know, you look at the Old Testament and I was thinking about Isaiah 41:13 today, where He said For I am the Lord your God, who takes hold of your right hand, my strong hand, He takes hold of me and says to me “Do not fear, I will help you.” And so the reason we’re wanting to do these podcasts is maybe to just share from some mistakes we’ve made or some fears we had and we realized they really didn’t have a foundation because God was in control of all of this.
Tera Melber:
It’s just like the example of God taking our right hand, of us reaching down to our little toddler and saying, “Hold my hand sweetheart, we’re gonna go this way.” They don’t have any perception of what’s coming either way, but you as their protector lead them and guide them into a way that protects them and to know this is where you’re going and I’m taking you and you can trust me.
Lynette Ezell:
Well Tera, we talked last time about the five myths in adoption that kind of can be fears, and so we wanted to lay those on the table and continue talking about five more today that you and I felt important. Since we’ve been doing this so long, we thought here are ten myths that if we can just talk about them, maybe they won’t be so big and worrisome in peoples’ minds as they’re entering the waters of adoption or foster care. Maybe you’re in it now, or you’re about to enter it, so the first one we wanted to talk about is that our adopted child will always be grateful in their living home.
Tera Melber:
Well I always ask when people say things like, “Oh, your child must think that they’ve really hit the jackpot.” And they say that in front of the child and the child is looking at me-
Lynette Ezell:
So embarrassing.
Tera Melber:
It is. And people don’t necessarily mean a thing by that, it’s actually you know they’re not meaning it in a negative way, but when the child always feels like “Oh, I have to be grateful for this life that I’ve been given when I just got in trouble 15 minutes ago for being sassy about something.” So our biological children don’t wake up every single day and say “Gee mom, I’m really glad that you’re my mom and that I’m in this family.” They’re not gonna always be grateful. And honestly when you have a little one, as they grow and develop and they’re trying to own their birth story and figure out their life, just as your own children, your biological children are not always gonna feel grateful, neither are your adopted children.
Lynette Ezell:
Right, that’s right. And so I also found that these children are grieving a loss.
Tera Melber:
They really are.
Lynette Ezell:
And they’re dealing with grief. We’re so excited to get them in our home and all this is so new to them, just the way that your daily routine runs and all of that is so new to them. And so, because they’re grieving a loss of maybe their biological family or the home they were in or that they can resent. Resentment will probably surface because this child is dealing with just so much newness around them and that someone … Here’s what we found adopting an older child, that we’re in their business. We’re in their business, you know what I mean? We care about the test, we care about your schoolwork, we care about what kind of food you eat and if you’re getting nutrition. All of that was really new for one of ours, who had kind of had to take care of himself for so long.
Tera Melber:
And especially when you do bring home an older child whether it’s through foster care or adoption, many times because the children were in difficult situations they have had to be the ones in charge of their own life. They really haven’t necessarily had to answer to anyone who was holding them accountable for things. And so that resentment can build. But even the grateful portion of that as well, my daughter has told this story many times. She would tell it to you if she was sitting right here.
Most years when it comes around the time that she came home, and we’re celebrating the remembering of when she joined our family, it was always an exciting time. You get to pick your dinner, we don’t really do anything other than that except be grateful that she’s part of our family and get to have a special dinner for her. But most years she was very excited, and I will never forget when she was about 10 years old I said, “Hey sis, what would you like for your dinner tomorrow night?” And she said, “I don’t even want to talk about it.” And I said “What do you mean you don’t want to talk about it?”
Lynette Ezell:
That’s interesting.
Tera Melber:
And she said, “Well mom, you know the only reason we’re celebrating tomorrow is because something terrible happened to me when I was young.” And that was very eye-opening for me, and I really hadn’t thought about it, and she’d been in the home for a few years. But the next year when the anniversary rolled around, and I said, “Hey sis, how are you feeling about that this year?” And she said “Oh, I already know what I want for dinner.” So every year is a little bit different. So as they’re developing and growing and they’re remembering, then we just have to give them some grace.
Lynette Ezell:
Right. And it’s harder, I feel like, like you said for older children to realize that we’re not a family on television. We ask our son, “What was the biggest change when you came home at 11 to our home?” He really thought because he had just seen television about America that we were like a family on the Disney Channel. And we are far from that. And he thought that he would get up every day and get on his bike and run around the neighborhood-
Tera Melber:
And there’d be music playing in the background.
Lynette Ezell:
Exactly, exactly. And that he would run around the neighborhood and no accountability and he would, you know, just whatever he wanted to do and life doesn’t look like that. And so I remember sitting with him on the side of his bed one night and we were talking about some things and some things I really cared about and he was kind of caught off guard that I wanted to talk about certain things with him. Just normal things with moms and sons and I remember looking at him and his sweet face and saying I just don’t know how to not care.
And so that’s been an adjustment for him. He loves it, he feels secure, but it took him a long time to adjust to the fact that he lives in a home that cares, and that and loves, and I remember one time we were riding bikes together when he first came home and my husband had been travelling and he looked at me, and he stopped his bike and he said “You know mom, sometimes dads leave and they don’t come back.” Now that had been after like four months he’d been at home and I was just alarmed I thought “Your dad always comes home.” But that was still worrisome in his mind, that his dad would not be coming home.
Tera Melber:
And we can’t really take it personally. So if a child comes across and they don’t feel grateful and they’re upset, then there is generally more to the behavior so we get to the root of the issue as what’s causing the behavior, what’s causing the resentment or the anger of not really being very grateful to be a part of the family at all. And many times it’s just there’s some root issues they’re just trying to hash out.
Lynette Ezell:
Yeah, and one of our things I’ve noticed was our food was a big adjustment for all of our children. That can be a hard hurdle to get over when you bring in children that have been in another situation. So if you’re fostering, maybe they’ve just had fast food, or maybe they’ve had just hot dogs and you want to bring in all this nutrition or they’ve had, they’re adopted internationally they’re used to totally different dishes.
Tera Melber:
And they look at what you’ve prepared and go ugh. I don’t want that.
Lynette Ezell:
Yes. And we had one little one that when she just smelled certain things that were normal in our home she would just start crying, you know. She just wanted a potato, all the time. That’s what she was used to. And so that, it can come across as “I don’t like this home. I don’t like what’s going on in this home.” But that’s not it.
Tera Melber:
Right, and one of our mantras that we say all the time is you just have to be the adult in the ring and not get your feelings hurt over everything. And we’ve often had other parents and counseled with other parents as well, and said when that attitude comes across to be able to say “I understand that you’re feeling upset about what I’m serving for dinner, but the way that you responded to me is not gonna work here so let’s talk about what you’re really thinking and then we’ll reevaluate what we’re gonna have for dinner. But you can’t yell and scream and you can’t say I hate that food. You can say mom, that’s not how I remember it. Mom, I don’t really like that food in my mouth.”
And sometimes when they’re younger they’re not going to be able to verbalize that but when they do come across ungrateful to train and teach just like you did if you have biological children when you’re training and teaching them this is how you respond, not in a negative way but to be able to use your words, I’ve said that a thousand times. Use your words. Don’t use your words loudly and scream at me. Use your words and talk to me about what you’re feeling. And Dr. Purvis from TCU often says that as well. Would you like a redo? Lets stop. Would you like a redo? And sometimes I’ve had to say I’m gonna need you to stop and take a deep breath and not speak right now and gather your thoughts and tell me what you’re really thinking about. And then we’ll work through it. But not in this way.
Lynette Ezell:
Yes. And if I could tell adoptive foster moms something too that I’ve learned is give attachment seasons. Go through the seasons of life. Give it a good year where you go through what your family does in the fall and how busy things are at school.
Tera Melber:
Because they don’t know.
Lynette Ezell:
They don’t know. Go through holidays with extended family together. Just be very patient and just give them a break, give them space and just be very loving and patient and that. You were talking about, Tera and I talk a lot about being the adult in the room that hit me one day when one of mine was pitching a fit, that I’m not chiming in on that, I’ve got to be the adult here.
And so our next myth we want to talk about is I could never feel resentment or unattached to my adopted child because I’m an adult. I shouldn’t ever feel that way, right?
Tera Melber:
Well that’s what we hope in our sanctification, if we were really where the Lord had us to be at the very end then we wouldn’t feel that way but we’re human beings. But we do have to take every thought captive as the Lord says.
You know there’s a quote that says you can let a bird fly over your head but don’t let it make a nest in your hair. And so when your child is grumpy or screaming or says I wish that you weren’t my mom or you’re not my real mom, when they say those things, if they say those things, to be able to say in your head “This is coming from a hurt place, this is not an affront against me, and I have to be able to help them work through whatever emotions that they’re having but not take it personally and not sit and dwell on it constantly.” The more you dwell on the irritations that you have in learning a new normal for your family, the less healthy it’s gonna be. And I do believe that’s why the Word does tell us you have to take every thought captive. Put off those feelings of resentment. Read the word of God and put on those qualities that you’re learning.
Lynette Ezell:
Cause there’s good days and bad days, that’s what you’re saying.
Tera Melber:
There are.
Lynette Ezell:
That’s what you’re saying. And so what Tera and I, the way that we encourage one another or my husband and I build each other up when we’re having a bad day is that love is a decision.
Tera Melber:
It is.
Lynette Ezell:
And so today I’m gonna decide to love this child. And so what we’re saying is that just keep doing the motion. Keep moving forward, do the right thing with your next, keep doing the right thing, and eventually the Lord gets our emotions in line with the right thing.
Tera Melber:
We know many who’ve brought home children who weren’t infants, or even people who have brought home infants that as they’re learning their new normal they’re thinking they have asked us, what have we done? This is not what I envisioned.
Lynette Ezell:
Oh, yes.
Tera Melber:
And then you feel the resentment of either I’m up again all night long and literally up all night with no break or I have a child that’s pitching a fit that doesn’t seem to be attaching to me. Or you know, my biological children are really struggling or my family members are still giving me a hard time because things are not looking perfect and if you sit and dwell on that it’s only going to bring bitterness in your life. It’s not beneficial at all.
Lynette Ezell:
That’s right, that’s right. Love is a decision and just keep doing the right motions. Even when you don’t feel like it, you know, we’re emotional beings and we’ve got to get that under control by the power of the Holy Spirit so that we can surround these children from vulnerable places with love and that they, their little spirits, can calm down and learn to be loved.
Tera Melber:
And when you do feel resentment I think that we oftentimes don’t think about self-care, that you might need a break
Lynette Ezell:
That’s a great point.
Tera Melber:
You might need to say to your husband or the grandparents or a trusted friend who’s already been in your child’s life, listen, I need to go for a walk. Would you please come over. I need a nap, I need a hot shower, I just need a break to gather my thoughts. And if you have, to be able to do that, to be able to function well, you have to be able to take care of yourself because the more tired and the more exhausted and the more frustrated you get then those feelings of resentment build and over time that’s not healthy for your attachment relationship or your relationship with your spouse or anything. So you really have to, when you feel those things welling up within you, take time to spend time with the Lord, take time to take a deep breath and take care of yourself.
Lynette Ezell:
Absolutely, that’s a great point. Well, I have a confession to make.
Tera Melber:
Okay.
Lynette Ezell:
Is that, I did not think I would ever need as an adoptive mom, outside help. A professional. Or just someone, I just thought I could, we could just do it and hunker down-
Tera Melber:
Love conquers all.
Lynette Ezell:
Yeah. We wouldn’t need any outside help but it can be very difficult for children from hard places to express themselves through language.
Tera Melber:
That’s very true.
Lynette Ezell:
And like you said earlier about the food issues, a small child, maybe English is their second language, maybe they’ve come out of a very hard place, out of a very difficult biological home, they’ve been put into foster care. They’ve never even been given worth for their words. So why would they have learned to express themselves through statements. “This hurts my feelings.” “I’m not feeling well.” I know when we went to Ethiopia to adopt our daughter, I learned seven basic phrases in her language and it helps some, and I still struggle but those seven phrases help so much so I could communicate with a three year old.
Tera Melber:
Right. My sister is a counselor and she’s also an adoptive mom and so she brings a lot of insight when I have struggled in the past. And one of the things that she often will say to a child who’s struggling is “Tell me,” She’ll lay out crayons and she’ll color and she’ll say “Tell me what color your heart feels. Does your heart feel red?” And like the red face is a mad face, the blue face is a sad face, and so she assigns colors to how they’re feeling and so because a child at four or five or six or fourteen can’t say necessarily, “That really hurt my feelings,” or “Smelling that food that you prepared made me think of my life before.” They can’t express all that.
Lynette Ezell:
No, they can’t. Because those neurological pathways for language and communicating, they’re crippled. They’re crippled probably due to low social interactions and those positive pathways just aren’t built.
Tera Melber:
And it’s a continual training. You know our job as moms, as parents, as mentors is to help guide these children to have the coping mechanisms and to be able to express themselves in ways that are going to be healthy for them in their adult relationships. I tell our kids all the time, this house is training ground for your future. So the things that you’re struggling with now, dad and I are going to try and guide you through that. This is training ground because what you learn here will help you in your relationships as an adult. So they’re not going to have all those skills, and it’s our job to be creative to figure it out and sometimes that requires extra help.
Lynette Ezell:
And you know just being personal with our family, we had to get educational help, you know, we maybe had to get a teenager to someone they needed to talk with, but the most important thing I can share on that is that make sure that it’s solid Biblical counseling and Christ is the foundation.
Tera Melber:
That is exactly true.
Lynette Ezell:
And we found it to be very beneficial for us. And just for seasons, you know, and that’s one thing is that adoptive moms, foster moms, why we really want to do these podcasts and reach out is that if we can help you in any way, connect you with someone who could help your family unit stay together, to thrive, to attach, you know that’s a blessing.
Tera Melber:
And I think one of the things we have to consider is the reason that we’re not accepting outside help or asking for outside help is are we prideful?
Lynette Ezell:
Yes, that was my hurdle.
Tera Melber:
That is not fun to think, well I don’t want anybody to know we’re struggling because here I’ve championed fostering, I’ve championed adoption, and things are not exactly how I thought they were gonna go. We’re not the picture perfect family right now and I don’t really want to admit that we need help. And that’s an issue, a personal issue, that is very detrimental to your child. You have to overcome that to say I know that we need some help. When you were talking about the educational thing, we had a son who had never gone to school. And he was older when he came home, and so we had some. Very common. And he’s doing fantastic now. The point is that I don’t have a degree in special education resources. So when he didn’t know even how to sit or hold a pencil or had some things to do to catch up, I didn’t know how to do that. So I had to ask, “Hey, help me, I need a reading specialist.” Well, I finally bit the bullet, got some help, and now he is doing great.
Lynette Ezell:
Thriving. Absolutely. And think about it this way. How can you not expect to have struggles when you bring in children, when you broaden your tent, and you bring in children from all four corners of the earth? When God builds you this beautiful, colorful family, how can we not expect struggles. We need each other.
Tera Melber:
And that’s what the body of Christ is. We all have different gifts, and thankfully, the Lord puts people in place and we find the resources that we need but ask the questions, look for the resources. One really huge piece of advice that we’ve found to be very helpful is before you even bring your child home, you get a list of every resource that you can think of because when you’re in the middle of it you can’t even think straight.
Lynette Ezell:
That’s great advice.
Tera Melber:
So, you can go to that piece of paper and go okay, I need help with reading, who can I call? That was a huge help.
Lynette Ezell:
Huge help. And Tera and I both did that before we were adopting, we made a list. I think our agency did help. Had us do that, and we even made it longer than what they asked for and it really gave you a tangible thing to hold in your hand and say, “Here’s help if I need it, here’s where I can go.”
Tera Melber:
And you did it when you were still thinking objectively.
Lynette Ezell:
And I wasn’t exhausted.
Tera Melber:
Exactly.
Lynette Ezell:
Here’s another one I want to hit on just quickly, our fourth myth for today is that time outs worked with our biological kids and that will be the best form of discipline with our adopted kids.
Tera Melber:
I found that that was not beneficial.
Lynette Ezell:
No, it’s not. Because most adopted children come from isolation and loneliness anyway, and to continue that is to say you don’t have worth. It’s you against the world buddy. And you want to bring that foster child, the adopted child, you want to bring them in close.
Tera Melber:
That’s right. One of the things that we found was that many times, adoptive parents or foster parents will say to us, “I feel like our child is acting out so that I would say go to your room.”
Lynette Ezell:
No, that’s a good point.
Tera Melber:
And that is our natural tendency. Because we might need a little break from the fit and they might need a little break from the fit but it’s okay to say “I’m gonna need you to sit on the couch.” In the same room, you’re all in the same room, but instead of sending them away to a closed door say “I’m gonna need you to sit on the couch and take a deep breath.” Or “You may not want to participate with in the game at the table but we’re just asking you to stay sitting with our family. Or the family.” Not ours, as opposed to making them feel separated. But to keep in eye contact, or when they’re having a moment to be able to say would it be okay if I just gave you a hug and asking them permission. You know, just not isolating them or pushing them away because many times that’s really kind of their go-to. So that’s their comfort, if I can just do this then I can go be by myself. When you want to help them still feel included in the family.
Lynette Ezell:
Absolutely. I know when I was talking to a mom and she adopted a baby out of addiction and the first thing they had them do at the hospital was just skin to skin, to draw that baby in closely, and on down the road when this baby was going through with drawls, one of the most important things that really helped this little one and as I witnessed this it was amazing, was to wear that baby.
Tera Melber:
All the time.
Lynette Ezell:
So that’s the idea there, is to just bring them in close and let them know they are loved, they are secure, and you’re not alone.
Tera Melber:
Right. One of the things, I know we’ve referred to Dr. Purvis a lot, but she’s such an amazing-
Lynette Ezell:
Why wouldn’t we?
Tera Melber:
She was such an amazing woman, but one of the things that I remember her saying is when a baby is in the mother’s womb they know the voice, they know the heartbeat, they know all of that and so when you’re talking about wearing your newborn baby all the time then baby begins to learn your voice and your heartbeat. And those are important.
Lynette Ezell:
Absolutely. Well the last one we want to cover today is just something that’s a little sensitive. I think something you and I are really learning as our adopted children are getting older and leaving the home. You’ve already had an adopted child launch.
Tera Melber:
Yes.
Lynette Ezell:
And that’s that our adopted child will follow the conventional paths of development, meaning that they’ll go to a four year university or, this is also with our biological children. We have six children so all of ours are kind of doing it differently. I’ve got one on the west coast, I’ve got one that’s been overseas, and they’ve all learned differently in life and their educational paths look different. But if your foster children or your adoptive children or your biological children if they don’t follow the path that you, that dream you had in your mind, can you trust the Lord with it?
Tera Melber:
I think that’s what’s hard for us as moms, as we think we know what’s the very best and instead of trusting the Lord to say just like your word picture of I’m gonna take your hand, trusting the Lord that He created them, He made them very uniquely, they have great gifts, and their strengths are the things that He’s going to use ultimately for their glory. So helping them to kind of learn those bends and help them to be able to figure out different paths and not to think, “Well this is what I thought you would do,” or “This I think would be a better option for you.” But to be able to help guide, just like with our biological children, as they grow our job changes from trainer, discipliner, to guide and coach.
Lynette Ezell:
On the sideline. Absolutely.
Tera Melber:
So helping them to be able to see their full potential and to be able to go after it and then whatever it is they decide to do, I’m sure that you know when your son that’s on the west coast, I’m sure when he was young, that was not your first thought that “I think he’s gonna move to out here and go to school out there.” That wasn’t on your radar at the time he was in the fifth or sixth grade. So being able to recognize their strengths and help them to understand who the Lord made them and then letting them fly and not feeling like you have to stay in control.
Lynette Ezell:
So if you’re about to enter the waters of adoption how we talk all the time or you’re considering foster care, look at these myths. If you want to connect with us we’ll have that in the show notes. But don’t be afraid to tackle your fears or to say them or to write them down, or to get help with them. And that was our goal today, in the past two podcasts, is to cover these top myths and so that people aren’t stuck in fear. Because we meet a lot of people who feel called to do this, to defend the fatherless, to broaden their tent, to take children into their home, but they’re stuck in fear.
Tera Melber:
And to lay these things before the Lord, I like what you said about writing them down. Lord, I am fearful of this.
Lynette Ezell:
Very good.
Tera Melber:
I am fearful of that. Father help be to be able to find somebody that I can talk to about this, speak to me in the Holy Spirit is living inside us as believers and the Holy Spirit guides but He also puts people in our path that we can be able to bounce things off of and say we have blind spots. I mean, we just do. And to be able to help us to understand it’s okay if you know, your child is angry today. That this is kind of how you’re gonna, how you’re gonna kind of maneuver through that. It’s okay.
Lynette Ezell:
It’s okay for families struggling for attachment. That’s normal. And let me reach out to someone who can help us.
Thanks for joining us today. You’ve been listening to the Adopting and Fostering Home. This is a ministry of the North American Mission Board. So you can email us, check our show notes at the end of our podcasts, and we’ll do our best to answer your questions, connect you with resources that you need and pray for you along this journey. You’re not in this alone, we understand your fears, we understand that this is a shaky first step, and that we also understand and we know that God equips us when he calls us to hard things. So you’re not alone. You’re part of a larger body of Christ who wants to be a resource for you.
Tera Melber:
Thanks for joining us today.
Speaker 1:
You have been listening to the Adopting and Fostering Home, a resource of the North American Mission Board. For more information about today’s podcast and other relevant resources, visit namb.net/sendrelief.
