Transcript
Announcer:
Welcome to the Adopting and Fostering Home Podcast. Whether your family has been on this journey for years, or you’re just getting started, we are here to support and encourage you along the way. And now your hosts, Lynette Ezell and Tera Melber.
Lynette Ezell:
Welcome back to the Adopting and Fostering Home Podcast. I’m Lynette Ezell, and I’m joined today with my friend of many years, Tera Melber. Tera and I have walked through six adoptions together, and we are still trying to navigate this call, right?
Tera Melber:
Absolutely.
Lynette Ezell:
Still working together to raise our families and usher them into adulthood. So many topics come up with that. But today, we wanted to begin a discussion that we call “myths of adoption.” So, whether your family’s been on this journey for years, or you’re just getting started, we’re here to support and encourage you along the way. We feel it’s important to discuss these topics. Some are sensitive, some you could talk about in a large setting, but we just want you to be able to enter the waters of adoption or foster care with your eyes open.
Tera Melber:
Absolutely. And these are myths that, not only were they questions that David and I had when we were starting, but they’re questions and things that we hear people say to us all the time. So, these are things that I feel like, whether you want to verbalize it or not, these are questions that you might have as you’re sort of determining God’s call on your life for your family.
Lynette Ezell:
And they’re not meant to scare you away.
Tera Melber:
No.
Lynette Ezell:
They’re not meant to make you anxious. But they’re just meant to encourage you and to say, look, if this comes up, this is normal.
Tera Melber:
Right. And I think that’s super important, is to know that these are normal things that can potentially happen within your family that have happened to others, and that others have learned to navigate it, and with the Lord’s help, we can also learn to navigate these things.
Lynette Ezell:
Absolutely. So, let’s get started. Tera, you want to get started with the first myth?
Tera Melber:
Sure. One of the first myths that we have is that our adopted child will attach quickly to our family and feel safe and loved.
Lynette Ezell:
Right.
Tera Melber:
And specifically, I think about for us, we brought home … The majority of our children we brought home were a little bit older. And so, I think, honestly, I was very concerned about how attachment would be with our family. And so, we always talk about having to be the adult in the room when it comes to this attachment issue, and feeling safe, and loved, and recognizing that they won’t necessarily attach and feel safe quickly, because they don’t know you. We’re strangers to one another.
Lynette Ezell:
Well, and consider that cycle when you have a baby. Your baby has a need, the baby cries, mom or dad responds, and a bond of trust is built, right?
Tera Melber:
Right.
Lynette Ezell:
And this cycle is disrupted in adoption.
Tera Melber:
And it’s disrupted whether you’re bringing home a newborn that has been in a difficult situation, even within the womb.
Lynette Ezell:
Great point.
Tera Melber:
Or if you’re bringing home a child that’s four, five, six, up through teenage years. So, they have … Like, for our children, one of our children lived in an orphanage for six years with 70 other children. So, if she was struggling with something, she didn’t automatically have someone who could just come and meet her need, not because they didn’t want to necessarily, but because there are 70 children and she’s living in a room with 35 other girls, she’s not always gonna have her needs met when she needed them met. And so, building that bond of trust takes time.
Lynette Ezell:
It does, takes a very long time. And something that we did, I know you did … You almost have to get radical with it. Simplify life and tie down the tent.
Tera Melber:
Absolutely.
Lynette Ezell:
And so, just scale back, we’ll talk about that some more, but prioritize the adopted child’s needs, and they have a great need to feel safe. Make that child feel safe.
Tera Melber:
Right. I think a routine, initially, is so vital to our children, because they already wonder if they’re really staying. And I know that you have a friend whose son kept a suitcase packed by the door for the longest time, because he just wasn’t sure, is this long-term? Is this not long-term? Because they’ve already been through so much turmoil in their life. When we set a specific routine, then they know what’s coming next. They know what to expect, and then it builds trust and puts chips in the bank, so to speak.
Lynette Ezell:
And you know, something I wasn’t really prepared for when we brought our child home from Ethiopia, if we pulled out a suitcase, say to go home and visit family for Christmas … I didn’t leave her for a long, long time to travel with my husband or anything, but if we pulled out a suitcase to leave for a family vacation, she assumed she wasn’t a part of that. And she would have a total meltdown, like she could just lower her breathing, and just go to sleep, and just totally disengage from the family in a fetal position, all over the suitcase, because she assumed, I’m not a part of this. And that was months and months, even after we’d brought her home.
Tera Melber:
And to recognize, too, that is going to take a long time-
Lynette Ezell:
Yes.
Tera Melber:
For you to feel like a full family unit. I was really glad that our program director for our agency said, at about the four-to-six-month mark, they realize they’re not going anywhere. Well, I’ve been praying for this child for a long time. I already feel bonded to this child in some form or fashion. I’m a total stranger to these children. Really, I mean, you can send your photo album or you can do whatever, but the fact is, you’re still a stranger in a strange place. And so, knowing that it was going to take time and having somebody out loud say to me, Tera, it could be four or six months before they realize they’re gonna stay, and then another year before they really feel like they’re grounded. Just like when you move, it takes a solid year and celebrating holidays more than one time for you to feel like, oh, this is really our home. It just takes time. That’s a small example of what these children are feeling on an exponential level.
Lynette Ezell:
Absolutely. And you know, a friend called me one day, and they were considering adopting an older boy, which we had done that. It’s just been a blessing for us. But, I tried to explain to her, you’re a year away from a meaningful family conversation at the dinner table before that child can feel like they can chime in. And like you said, it does take a good 12 months to get your land legs and get that kind of figured out. And something we really did as well, and the Lord just gave us the wisdom to do this, is just to create a home environment conducive for sibling attachment. Let your sister help you with that. Or let your … You have more boys … Yours is opposite of mine, four boys and two girls. I have two boys and four girls, but go shoot ball with your brother. I thought, let your brother help you with that, and so mom’s not always the one jumping in there.
Tera Melber:
Absolutely. Absolutely. And we have to remember, too, that we’ve been going through this process a long time to be able to be a parent to this child. So, just as we love because Christ first loved us, if we feel like the child is pulling away or maybe they like dad better than they like mom, then we can’t get our feelings hurt.
Lynette Ezell:
No, it’s totally normal.
Tera Melber:
Totally normal, and we have to keep pursuing. Christ pursued us. We pursue our children.
Lynette Ezell:
That’s good. Love is a decision.
Tera Melber:
Love is a decision. And honestly, we even … our biological children, there are days that they reject us, and we have to continue to pursue them. So, it’s our responsibility as the parent to pursue and to choose love. And eventually, when they feel that safety, they will come to you, and they will love you and feel like they’re a part of the family.
Lynette Ezell:
But it takes a long time. I remember when our son came home, and my husband travels some, he just … One day, he looked at me, he said, you know, mom, sometimes dads leave and they never return. And that was after six months. And I remember thinking, surely you know by now, your dad always returns. He didn’t.
Tera Melber:
Right. Yes. Absolutely.
Lynette Ezell:
Well, the second myth we were talking about … that we were thinking about and wanted to share with you is that, since our child … A lot of people think that, if you adopt a very young child, that that child will have less trauma or less attachment issues, like if you get a infant or a newborn. We have not found that to be the case. They do have … It can be different. It can look different. But the removal of a child from their biological mother creates a traumatic event, even in the life of the child, no matter how old they are.
Tera Melber:
That’s exactly right. Dr. Karyn Purvis, the late Dr. Karyn Purvis, love her. She often talks about how a baby, even in utero, knows their mom’s voice. Knows the rhythm of her heartbeat. And when they’re removed from that, even as an infant, they recognize, this is not the voice I’ve been hearing in the womb for the last nine months. And in addition to that, there was a traumatic event going on. Even the stress level of the birth mom, who maybe knew that she was not gonna be able to parent, so those things come into play as well, as far as attachment and trauma.
Lynette Ezell:
Well, we were in a foster meeting last night, and a foster mom was there, and she had this beautiful infant, this newborn. And she’s got all this help. She needs it, because she also has biological children in the home, plus her foster children. But, the different voices that infant is hearing, I know that’s challenging. So, even as a foster family, that can be a challenge. But, trauma doesn’t tell time.
Tera Melber:
It does not.
Lynette Ezell:
And that’s what we have to remember. When we went to go pick up our dog Lucy, she was in a very bad place. She lived outside, and she was terrified. So, she was in all the elements. There was no doghouse, nothing to cover her, no shelter. And even at seven years old, which is 49 in human years, she still is terrified of storms, or rain, or a gunshot, and we kind of live out in the country, so those kind of things, she never has gotten over that. Okay, that’s a dog. Right?
Tera Melber:
I know. And she belly crawls. That’s what’s hilarious.
Lynette Ezell:
Yeah, and she … Oh, she military crawls through the neighborhood if she hears one ounce of thunder. But, we have to create an environment that says, your pain can come up at any time, and it’s okay to share that pain. It’s okay that you are dealing with this trauma and you don’t know why. And it may have happened to you 15 years ago.
I remember one time, my mom looked at me and said … She was about 50 years old, and I never forget this, and we were talking late one night. And she said, you know, you never, ever truly get over divorce as a child. Because she had lived that, and she was 50 years old. But, when a child feels truly safe, you and I have both seen that positive change can come.
Tera Melber:
Can happen.
Lynette Ezell:
It doesn’t mean that trauma goes away.
Tera Melber:
Never.
Lynette Ezell:
But they do learn to manage it.
Tera Melber:
One of the best analogies that I ever saw was taking a ribbon … I did this with two of our kids. Taking just a ribbon, and while I’m talking, tying a loose knot, and then tying a tight, super-tight not, and then kind of a medium knot, and just having a conversation. Generally, it’s about some serious topic. And then, I will hand … I’ve handed the knot to one of our kids and said, okay, untie all those knots. So, of course, the loose one’s easy. The medium one took a little extra time.
Lynette Ezell:
That’s great.
Tera Melber:
And then, the really tight one, they couldn’t get done. And as I laid that little ribbon out, I said, so, these are things that have happened to you in your past. This one was super-traumatic. This one was mildly traumatic. This one was, I scraped my knee outside playing basketball. But, do you see all of the creases that are in the tighter knots, all those creases? Let’s take it upstairs. We get an iron. We’re ironing, ironing, ironing. You know how some things just do not iron out. And I said, “Look, I can make this look a little bit better, but some of these creases will always remain.”
Lynette Ezell:
Right. And we all have that in our lives.
Tera Melber:
We all have it in some form or fashion. For our children who came out of really tough situations, their creases in their ribbon are way more difficult than the creases that I’ve had in my life. But, I often say to the kids, because all of our kids have made a decision for Christ, the lord can restore you on this earth. He can help give you coping mechanisms to be able to live a productive, wonderful, fantastic life. There may be times, though, that something comes up that triggers a thought from your past. But, you have to take every thought captive, and recognize that those creases do not define who you are.
So, even when they’re young, as they grow developmentally, if you bring home an infant, as they developmentally grow, they’re gonna realize, there’s a reason I’m not with my biological parents. Or, as your 11-year-old that came home, or my seven-year-old that came home who have memories of difficult things in their life, or recognize that there was abandonment or neglect, that does not define you. So, eventually one way, we’ll all be restored and there will be no more tears. But until that day, the Lord will use all of those things in our life to develop us into the human being that He has called us to be.
Lynette Ezell:
And you just can’t put a timetable on it.
Tera Melber:
You can’t.
Lynette Ezell:
I adopted an infant. So, they’ll never … Like, the 1950s. We won’t mention adoption, they won’t feel any different. That’s not true.
Tera Melber:
Exactly.
Lynette Ezell:
And that leads us to our next myth, that our family can love away our adopted child’s past.
Tera Melber:
Oh, how I wish I could.
Lynette Ezell:
Of their pain. Exactly. And, you know what I’ve learned? We got to remove all pride here. There is no shame in help.
Tera Melber:
No.
Lynette Ezell:
There is no shame in saying, our family needs some help here.
Tera Melber:
Yes. Absolutely. And I think that’s what’s really hard, is that we were called … We feel like the Lord called our family to fostering, or adoption. And so, we don’t want to be the person who keeps other people from wanting to do that. So, we wanted to say, oh, everything is great. It’s all wonderful.
Lynette Ezell:
Exactly.
Tera Melber:
That’s just ridiculous. We all are gonna walk through struggles of some sort. We’re gonna walk through tons of victories. And so, being able to share all of those things and remove those pride issues and say, I really do need some help, I really need you to be praying, because during this season of life, our child is really struggling with the fact that they were abandoned or neglected.
Lynette Ezell:
Yeah. In private, not in front of the child.
Tera Melber:
Exactly.
Lynette Ezell:
Yeah. Right.
Tera Melber:
Absolutely.
Lynette Ezell:
Right, absolutely. And so, as Tera says, what you’re describing here, Tera, is modeling Christ.
Tera Melber:
Yes.
Lynette Ezell:
And reiterating to the child that He brought you to us, He’s bringing healing, and we want you to know what He’s … I tell my children, look, the Lord saved my mom and dad when I was five years old. And my home was turned upside down. I mean, our home was a mess. And the Lord brought healing to our home. And my past … I have that past memory of the Lord’s healing, and I see it fleshed out, and even when the Lord took my dad home, he went home in healing what the Lord had done in his life.
Tera Melber:
That’s right.
Lynette Ezell:
And so, the same thing for our adoptive children. Especially older children. And we have to wait on their timetable to share, mom, here’s what I’m dealing with. Sometimes they cannot articulate that.
Tera Melber:
Right. That’s exactly true. One of the things that we’ve really, I know your family does and our family does, is, I can give you my opinion on how I think you should cope or how you should handle things, but we have to point them back to Christ, because He is the great healer of all things. And recently, you and I were in a study of Habakkuk, which was a really fun book to study. But, one of the passages at the very end of Habakkuk 3, it says, “Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls … I will rejoice in the Lord. I will be joyful in God my savior. The sovereign Lord is my strength.”
Lynette Ezell:
That’s right.
Tera Melber:
He makes my feet like the feet of a deer. He enables me to go on the heights.
Lynette Ezell:
That’s right.
Tera Melber:
So even in those timetables where your children are struggling and talking to you, making sure that you have open conversation and that you’re willing to listen and not feel defensive or shell-shocked when they bring up their struggles, and then to be able to point them back. Though these things have occurred-
Lynette Ezell:
Exactly.
Tera Melber:
The Lord. The sovereign Lord is your strength. And He can enable you to do anything.
Lynette Ezell:
Right. I remember, realizing when one of our children came home, that this child had a lot more pain and really scars than I realized. I’m saying, physical scars. So, we knew the pass had been rough. We knew that this child was malnourished. Even more so, once we saw the child, than we had been told. So, it was a much dire situation than what we had been told about. And I remember, the Lord just [inaudible 00:17:34] up on our heart. When this child goes to sleep at night, get your face in the carpet beside the bed. And so, prayer has just been the foundation for us doing this, because we cannot love away their pain. We cannot love away the starvation they faced, or the illness they faced, or the separation they faced when being ripped away from a parent, or what they lived in their first five, six, seven, ten years. But, we can pray, we can seek the Lord, and we can daily offer this child back to the Lord.
Tera Melber:
Right. Just like when someone loses their spouse. You can’t erase that pain. I can’t erase the fact that one of our kids remembers both of his parents passing away from illnesses that they should not have … that in the United States would have been easily treatable. I can’t fix that. Though I want to. Because as parents who love your children, you want to make it all better. But I can point them to Christ, and say, He is the one who can restore you and heal you. That doesn’t mean the pain goes away, but it does mean that He helps you learn how to live in it.
Lynette Ezell:
That’s right. That’s right. Very good. Well, the next one we talked about is that, our adopted child … This hit me between the eyes. Our adopted child will behave as other children his age.
Tera Melber:
Right.
Lynette Ezell:
And so-
Tera Melber:
Who said that?
Lynette Ezell:
Exactly. But that was in my head. You know, when we bring him home, he’s just gonna go right in the classroom and be right where he’s supposed to be. But, you have to look past that chronological age, don’t you?
Tera Melber:
Yes. You really do. You really do. Even for the foster kids that we know, or children who’ve been in difficult situations here, they haven’t … They may be in school, but they’re not getting healthy snacks at home, help with their homework. They’re having to be … Many of them have a lot of street smarts. So, the older ones know how to take care of the younger ones. We were listening to a gal last night talk about, at seven years old, her responsibility was to get all of her siblings ready for school, cook, clean, do laundry.
Lynette Ezell:
She was running the home at seven years old.
Tera Melber:
At seven.
Lynette Ezell:
And that’s dysfunctional.
Tera Melber:
It is dysfunctional. Then, in other ways, she may not know how to relate to other seven-year-olds as well, because she’s having to do all of these other responsibilities. So, looking past their chronological age and seeing where they are developmentally, and then developing a plan of saying, okay, these are the things that we need to work on in this social area. Or, in their emotional intelligence of how they relate to others. Or, academically, they’re super-behind, because they have not had the opportunity. We had one of ours who had never even … God love his soul, he had never sat down for more than five minutes straight, I’m pretty sure. So, to put him in a classroom was, oh my word.
Lynette Ezell:
Yes. That’s how our son was. Yes, yes. Kevin went to … My husband went to our son’s school, where he was adopted from. It was the big public school, and he said it was just like a circus. Like, people were just coming in and out of doors, kids, and it wasn’t the structured classroom that we think of today. And so, therefore, our son did not get … He didn’t get a lunch. So, he was there all day in the heat. There was no water. And so, it wasn’t a conducive environment for learning. We bring him home to the States. We put him in the school our kids go to, and he begins to regress. And even more, wants … He’s clingy, wants to sit in the teacher’s lap, that sort of thing. And so, those were some hurdles we had to get over, and work through, and have patience with, and take time that we never thought about.
Tera Melber:
And if you think, even when you’re bringing home and older child, that they’ve not had love and affection. Or, if they’ve had any affection, maybe it wasn’t the right kind of affection. So, to teach them the appropriateness of when it’s okay to hug someone, or maybe they do just need to sit in your lap as an eight-year-old and feel really loved. Like, rocked, or … almost baby-like. Because, they gotta kind of go back and get that that they never received.
Lynette Ezell:
Well, we had to regroup that spring. When we brought that child home, we had to regroup, and we just started … He and I just started homeschooling together and stuff, he felt like he needed to sit close to me, or … He always had to be in the same room as I was, and I was working at the school two days a week, so he went with me. And so, we just focused on doing math problems and reading books together. And praying together. We had lunch together. So, we had that time. We have a large family. And so, we had that time together, when the other five children were out of the home. And he needed that. Although, my original thought was, we’ll bring him home, he’s gonna go right to the school system, and it’s all gonna be great. It did not look like that.
Tera Melber:
No. I can remember taking our daughter to school. Our program director at our agency said, give her … solid six weeks of real structure at home to be able to be with your family, and then it will be okay to put her-
Lynette Ezell:
That’s great advice.
Tera Melber:
In public school. They were awesome to help me with that. So, I did, but in my little small town where we were, this was a very different concept for them, to bring home a child into your family who didn’t look like you, and she spoke very little English, and I can remember the second grade teacher saying, she’s not gonna pass second grade. And I said, oh, she is.
This is not … All this academic stuff, not that important right now. I need her to learn how to sit in a circle, make a friend, and go through the lunch line. That’s our goal. Because there were … It was the end of the school year, it’s not like … She said, I just, in good conscience, can’t move her to second grade. And I said, well, this is not gonna be what your problem is. Right now, this is our goal. And she was super-gracious, and our daughter did fine. But … I mean, fine. She learned how to go through the lunch line.
Lynette Ezell:
The goals were met.
Tera Melber:
The goals were met. So, chronologically in her age group, we did hold her back a year until she was able to catch up. But, there were lots of things that she didn’t know how to do that all the other kids way knew how to do like three years ago. And so, the teacher was just a little shell-shocked, like I don’t know how to do that. And that’s where a lot of conversations and a lot of advocacy in the school system is really important.
Lynette Ezell:
Well, I was gonna start another topic, but let’s piggyback off of what you just said. And let’s … This is one that I was super surprised by when my daughter adopted our granddaughter.
Tera Melber:
I agree.
Lynette Ezell:
The doctors and teachers will understand and be a strong support. Sometimes that happens.
Tera Melber:
Right. And if it does happen, glory be to the Lord.
Lynette Ezell:
Exactly. That’s icing. But, I did not find that to be the case myself.
Tera Melber:
Yes. And the deal is, especially specifically for teachers … You almost have to cut them some slack here, because they are doing such a great job, but this is a wrench thrown into everything, and it’s very difficult. So, if they’ve never done it before, it’s a lot of conversations. So, I always laugh at the kindergarten teacher, your kids had her too. But, when Jonas started kindergarten, it was half day, he spoke zero English, but oh my gosh, his little adorable face, I’ll still see it. But, on the days that I was having a bad day thinking, we’re never gonna survive school, the kindergarten was saying things like, “But Tera, look at the progress he’s made.” Then, two weeks later, she’s saying things like, “Oh my gosh, I’m dying. But Julie, look at all the progress he’s made.”
Lynette Ezell:
Exactly.
Tera Melber:
So, it was a great partnership. When she was good, I was terrible. When I was terrible, she was good. Thankfully, we were never both awful at the same time.
Lynette Ezell:
When we moved to a new city, I took … The kids and I tried the public school. They were good, and so I put the girls in public school, and our son, and my first grader … I remember a teacher pulling me aside. Sweet Christian gal, still friend of ours today, but she spoke some truth into my life, and she said, this school is very aggressive. It’s sink or swim. And she said, “My daughter couldn’t make it here, and your daughter’s not gonna make it here. So, you may want to really pray about it.” She just pulled me aside quietly, said, “You merely may want to pray about other options.”
Tera Melber:
Which is great.
Lynette Ezell:
And she was right.
Tera Melber:
Yes. And that’s awesome, and I do feel like, that you can get … But, you can get the help that you need, but it’s a lot of words. A lot of conversations. And, when you were talking about doctors … A myth that maybe the doctors will understand or be a strong support. In this day and age, when these babies are being born addicted to different things, there’s not a lot of studies on it.
Lynette Ezell:
There’s not.
Tera Melber:
What does that look like when they’re 18? You don’t really know.
Lynette Ezell:
You don’t.
Tera Melber:
So, there’s a lot of unknown, and that makes it very difficult, because as a new parent, you want answers of, why is this newborn sneezing constantly? And they can give you that medical reason. But when you say, well, what is that gonna mean for my child in elementary school? They don’t know.
Lynette Ezell:
They don’t know. And I was very surprised by that, like I said, when our daughter adopted her baby domestically. But, we realized quickly that we had to be their greatest advocate.
Tera Melber:
Yes. Absolutely.
Lynette Ezell:
And we had to set them up to succeed early like you did with your daughter. Let her pass that grade. Because, you’re gonna give her-
Tera Melber:
‘Cause then we had the whole summer to really work.
Lynette Ezell:
You did.
Tera Melber:
On academics.
Lynette Ezell:
You did, and it’s kind of like their brain wakes up in education. And one of our children has been home nine years, and I feel like this year, we’re really waking up in the classroom.
Tera Melber:
Well, I said, for two of the three of ours, it took us five years to get on level.
Lynette Ezell:
Yes. Five years.
Tera Melber:
Five years, which when you are on the front end, you’re thinking, five years? But, that doesn’t mean it was five years of pain. Sometimes it was painful, but it meant five years where I felt like I didn’t have to be the continual pusher and the continual advocate. So, will doctors and teachers understand and be a strong support? Maybe, but don’t have the expectation that they’re experts in this, because they’re not, and it’s not like we should expect them to be. You have to work together as a partner to be able to help your child be the most successful.
Lynette Ezell:
That’s right. That’s right. And we’re building a bridge to the world for our children at school, at church, social settings. As parents, the Lord’s leaning us to build that bridge so that they can cross over.
Tera Melber:
Absolutely. Absolutely.
Lynette Ezell:
Well, Psalm 107:41 says, “He raises up the needy out of affliction, and makes their families like flocks.” And, in my bible, I have that highlighted in my study bible that just looks butchered. But beside that, I put, Lord, you built our family. And you’re making us strong like a strong flock. And He is doing that for us, so we hope these first five myths have helped you today, but you’ve been listening to the Adopting and Fostering Home with me, Lynette Ezell and Tera Melber, it’s a resource of the North American Mission Board. So, for more information, or to connect with us, we have some relevant resources and we have some more suggestions for you, so you can visit namb.net/sendrelief. Thank you so much for joining us today.
Announcer:
You have been listening to the Adopting and Fostering Home, a resource of the North American Mission Board. For more information about today’s podcast and other relevant resources, visit namb.net/sendrelief.
