Transcript
Announcer: Welcome to the Adopting and Fostering Home podcast. Whether your family has been on this journey for years, or you’re just getting started, we’re here to support and encourage you along the way. Now your hosts, Lynette Ezell and Tera Melber.
Lynette Ezell: You know, Tera, the Lord graciously crossed our paths many years ago after we had both completed our first adoptions.
Tera Melber: Yes.
Lynette Ezell: We didn’t know each other at that time.
Tera Melber: We did not.
Lynette Ezell: We both chose different agents, and we both were parenting four children and trying to navigate all the ups and downs of adding to our nest when we met.
Tera Melber: Yes.
Lynette Ezell: I feel pretty confident saying that the Father knew we needed one another.
Tera Melber: That is very true.
Lynette Ezell: What I want to talk about today, Tera, is choosing an agency. I know this was a big decision for Kevin and I. With our first one, we were very comfortable in choosing a smaller agency that was close to our home, within our state, but there’s different ways of doing that. There’s different types of adoptions, domestic, private domestic, foster to adopt, international, and that’s a whole new pathway to bringing a child into your home.
Tera Melber: It really is, and I think couples often begin the adoption process and they think “I don’t even know how to start.” How do you know if an agency is reputable, how do I know if this is going to work best for my family? We get that question a lot. “How did you know which agency to choose?” I feel like that we each have different personalities, and that will determine our needs.
Lynette Ezell: Well, and you made a great statement to me one time, like “It’s years of working with this agency.”
Tera Melber: Right.
Lynette Ezell: “So it’s very important the adoption agency, or the fostering agency, or just working through the state if you choose to not use an agency and go straight through the state.”
Tera Melber: Obviously the beginning of your adoption journey is determining are you going to do domestic? Are you going to do foster? Or are you going to do international? During the … After you’ve made that determination, you have to ask yourself “What kind of support do you need?”
Lynette Ezell: Right.
Tera Melber: “What does your family need? What are your personalities going to be, that are going to help you determine what agency would work best for you?”
Lynette Ezell: So how involved do you want them to be in your life?
Tera Melber: Yes, right.
Lynette Ezell: Okay.
Tera Melber: One of the questions that you have to ask yourself as well, because there are adoption agencies all over the country is, I think the first and most important one is “Do you want to be able to have a face-to-face conversation with your agency?” Do you want, when you’re in the middle of it, to be able to drive to their office and sit down with your social worker across the room, and say “I need help with this. I don’t understand that.” Because that’s going to help you be able to say “Okay, well then I need to keep our circle, our radius of agencies that we’re willing to look at, within a certain mileage from our home.”
Lynette Ezell: That was very important with me with our first adoption. I didn’t have answers and I just needed someone to hold my hand. It was a Christian agency that we felt the Lord leading us to do, and it was an hour from our home.
Tera Melber: Ours was vastly different. Our first of the three adoptions that we did, we chose an agency that was not a Christian agency, that was in the Northeast, very, very far from our home.
Lynette Ezell: Wow! Yeah.
Tera Melber: The reason that we ended up choosing them was because when we were doing the research on the different countries from which we could adopt, we found that this particular agency was incredibly reputable, very experienced, had years of experience in the Philippines. When I called them and got their program director, I just knew. Whether she’s 16 hours from me or next door, I’m going to be able to call her and get a prompt reply. I felt really comfortable. But that was a lot of prayer on the front end, so feeling like the Spirit was really leading us in that direction.
Lynette Ezell: Did she necessarily hold all the same beliefs you did?
Tera Melber: No, she did not. But at the same time, it is a … This is going to sound odd. It is a business, and so I wanted someone who had been doing this well. They’re very child-centered, which we’ve talked about being very important when you’re choosing an agency. Making sure that they are finding the right family for the child and not just bringing lots of families in and just match, match, match, match.
Lynette Ezell: Right, right.
Tera Melber: They were very interactive with us, but it was at a distance and it was through emails and through phone calls. We didn’t hold the exact same thoughts on every aspect of life, but she was very experienced and really helpful, and very knowledgeable, which was really what I needed. I didn’t necessarily need that face-to-face. I just needed to know “She’s done this before, a lot. She’s going to be able to help walk me through this.”
Lynette Ezell: Exactly.
Tera Melber: She was phenomenal.
Lynette Ezell: What I hear you saying is, good agencies are centered on children.
Tera Melber: Yes.
Lynette Ezell: Right? They’re more focused on finding homes for children.
Tera Melber: Right, right.
Lynette Ezell: Very good.
Tera Melber: It’s far more about the child to the family, finding a family for a specific child than finding a child for a family.
Lynette Ezell: Since your first adoption was international, let’s just focus on that.
Tera Melber: Okay.
Lynette Ezell: An agency for international adoption. In country travel was very important to me. I was nervous to go over to China, be there without my husband. A friend went with me. I was nervous about that, and so what was very important to me is that they navigated that well.
Tera Melber: Yes, asking-
Lynette Ezell: I asked people.
Tera Melber: Asking those questions to your agency, for … Well, specifically for this topic of international, is really important. If you call them, are they calling you right back within a reasonable timeframe? Or is a week later? But one of the questions that I asked a lot was in country travel experience. So, “Who from your agency takes care of us when we’re there? Am I kind of on my own? What does that look like?” One of the most valuable resources for us was when we sort of narrowed down some of these agencies, just a Google search or asking other people who they used.
Lynette Ezell: Yeah, that’s key. Right.
Tera Melber: When we sort of narrowed that down, then I specifically asked “Do you have references that I can call?” Any agency that’s worth their salt is going to have a whole list of references. There are going to be people all over the country that have used them. To be able to then call and ask these same question to agencies, that you’re going to also then ask to the references, and say “What was your experience in country?” You have to weigh those. You know, some people-
Lynette Ezell: Yeah, you can’t believe everything you read on the Internet about an agency.
Tera Melber: That’s true.
Lynette Ezell: Because some people, when they get home with their children, they’re tired, they’re weary. Sometimes they can be disgruntled. Maybe they had a little glitch in their travel. Who doesn’t?
Tera Melber: Right. Right.
Lynette Ezell: And let me be clear here. If you’re considering an international adoption, again, you need an agency that you can work with for a couple of years. It is a long process now.
Tera Melber: Some of them are even five years, six years.
Lynette Ezell: Right. Right.
Tera Melber: It’s going to need to be someone who has been in the business for some time. I’m not saying that, you know, other places you couldn’t go to. But you just want to make sure that in five years, are they still going to be in business?
Lynette Ezell: Right.
Tera Melber: One of the most vital pieces of information you can receive is, “Are they accredited through the Council on Adoption?” That’s coa.net. Or, coanet.org. That’s the Council of Accreditation. Agencies have to go through some really stringent processes to become accredited, but they even have a list on their website of agencies that have passed the accreditation. Then ones that are currently looking to be accredited. Those are super important.
In the states, to be able to look at the Better Business Bureau and say “Is there anything that was really wrong with this agency?” Just do your back research to make sure that they are going to be reputable.
Lynette Ezell: Exactly. Exactly. I requested informational packets from several different agencies.
Tera Melber: Yes, me too. I had a whole stack of them.
Lynette Ezell: Right. That really helped. I like to hold a hard copy-
Tera Melber: Me too.
Lynette Ezell: And read through things. That helped me.
Tera Melber: One of the other questions that I asked the agencies that I contacted for our family was, “How many children were placed last year?”
Lynette Ezell: That is very good information. That’s very important. Very important.
Tera Melber: And “Were there any failed adoptions?”
Lynette Ezell: Yes
Tera Melber: Were there any issues on either side where you got incorrect information and then the family changed their mind, or … Those kinds of things are important. How many children actually … Is it a pilot program? If it is, then I have expectations going into that, or is it a program that’s been going on for a long time?
Lynette Ezell: Exactly. And pilot programs, that’s a good point. We considered stepping into one. Some of our staff behind us did, some younger couples did. It takes a lot of patience.
Tera Melber: It does.
Lynette Ezell: But this agency was solid. They’d been around a long time, and they did it well. They were very honest, upfront. “This may work, and it may not. We feel that it will.”
Tera Melber: Right.
Lynette Ezell: Because they’re watching government changes.
Tera Melber: Yes. To be able to have an agency that’s worked in a country for a period of time … Like, if you’re a real risk taker and you want to do a pilot program, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that as long as you know that going in.
Well, the final thing that I really looked for with international adoption, and honestly, I didn’t know this with our first adoption, but I kind of learned over the years that it’s a vital piece of information, is how they help you post-adoptively.
Lynette Ezell: Very good, right. That’s a great point. Yeah.
Tera Melber: Are you … Do they have resources to help you? What about taking trips back to their home country? Do they have … Those are not necessarily deal breakers, but boy. They are beneficial. We used two separate agencies. The first two were with one, the larger agency that’s in the Northeast. They do things even now, they have programs that you can contact birth families. They help you find birth families. They do birth country visits. Those are things that we have not utilized yet, but they’re there. They’re really pouring back into the country, and they’re looking for ways to help the children there.
The second agency that we used was much smaller. It was less of a hand holder because we knew what we were doing. But they don’t have those same things. Ultimately, it’s not that big of a deal, except that our first two kids have that opportunity and our third one does not.
Lynette Ezell: Right, right. Very good, very good. Now, let’s change gears here a little bit.
Tera Melber: Sure.
Lynette Ezell: Let’s talk about doing a domestic adoption and stepping into foster care.
Tera Melber: Right.
Lynette Ezell: So with foster care, if you feel that’s the way the Lord is leading your family— through foster care—you have two options from what I understand.
Tera Melber: Right. The first option is to go through your State Department of Family and Children’s Services office, be trained by the state, and be directly involved with the social workers who work on the state level. The second option is to go through a private placing agency. Many of those are Christian-based, some are not. But they’re all child-based, and basically the state contracts with them. If the state doesn’t have enough families, they will contract with these other agencies to be able to say “Hey, can you help us place these?” They have their own set of training. It’s all still the same state requirements, but you are working with specific people that might be really close in your area. Your son-in-law and daughter are going through a private placing agency.
Lynette Ezell: They are, and we noticed that it was a little … It cost a little money for them to go through that agency, just some things that the state would pay for. Basic requirement things the state would pay for that they had to pay for by using a private agency.
Tera Melber: What were some of those things? Do you know?
Lynette Ezell: Some of those things were just some of the medical testing they had to have done, just some basic things like that. Maybe going and getting things to make sure their home was equipped correctly. But they’re still in the toddler stage, so they were already there. But in our state alone, 13,000 foster children.
Tera Melber: Yes, with only 3,500 foster families.
Lynette Ezell: So pick a way and go for it!
Tera Melber: Exactly.
Lynette Ezell: Because God’s calling his people out to do this. And what a picture of the Gospel!
Tera Melber: Right.
Lynette Ezell: We need the church to step up. Let us make a plug there, and to open their homes to foster children.
Tera Melber: That is exactly right.
Lynette Ezell: To help in some way.
Tera Melber: And you know, just like with if you’re doing an international, domestic, or fostering, you can contact those people. You’re just going to have a sense that this is the right way, let’s walk in it. It may be that you have an amazing state social worker that you connect with really quickly, and you think “Wow. I would love to work with her long-term.”
Lynette Ezell: Right, and you and I have had that experience.
Tera Melber: Oh, we have.
Lynette Ezell: Just have a great friend who’s a social worker.
Tera Melber: Yes.
Lynette Ezell: I would not need it in that county. I would not need a private agency. But in the county that we’re in, you and I, that we live in-
Tera Melber: It’s a little more complicated.
Lynette Ezell: You know, we live close to a very large city, and the county’s big. It’s more complicated. It is.
Tera Melber: It is. Some of the things that some of the private agencies provide, I think are really amazing. Some of the ones in our area provide things like specific respite care through their agency, so it’s their respite families who are providing help for their families. It kind of becomes a community. They do things like Christmas parties, and help you with purchasing Christmas presents if you need it. They provide a babysitting service once a month. Those things are amazing!
Lynette Ezell: They are.
Tera Melber: That you’re not necessarily going to get if you live in a large metropolitan area and you’re working through the state system. It just sort of depends. When you call each place, it really just depends on how you connect with the different agency people that you speak with.
Lynette Ezell: My daughter’s in another county, different from the other two we were talking about. She stepped into it thinking “I’ll just go through a county social worker,” and realized that she needed, like you said with our first adoption, a little more handholding.
Tera Melber: Right.
Lynette Ezell: She wanted someone to meet with her a little more and share with her a little more, and that didn’t have such a heavy caseload.
Tera Melber: Right, right. I think those are just things that you know about yourself, and that helps you make a determination about the direction that your family goes.
Lynette Ezell: Right, right. Another thing for me on choosing an agency, is I had other children in the home. I knew that they were going to want to talk with them. They were teenagers at the time. Some are now married, you know, moved off. But at that time, I needed someone I knew my teenagers could kind of connect with as well.
Tera Melber: Right.
Lynette Ezell: That proved to be invaluable.
Tera Melber: Right. How did you know, because you all used a faith-based … a Christian agency for your first two adoptions, is that right?
Lynette Ezell: The first one.
Tera Melber: The first one.
Lynette Ezell: The first one.
Tera Melber: Then, how do you know? I mean, should Christians just used faith-based agencies?
Lynette Ezell: Well, we needed that the first time. I would not say … If Christians only used faith-based agencies, then where are the other kids going to go?
Tera Melber: Right.
Lynette Ezell: And so, that was my point. Why not infiltrate that? Let’s get some Christian families to also go into some secular agencies. But I found within the secular agencies, there’s a lot of believes working there.
Tera Melber: There are, right.
Lynette Ezell: It was just a great experience for us. I’m not saying we didn’t disagree on some-
Tera Melber: Sure.
Lynette Ezell: We had a very intense conversation-
Tera Melber: I remember that.
Lynette Ezell: About bringing our older son into our home with two younger girls, but we knew it’s what God called us to, so we hung in there with the agency. I was able to do that. That’s not quite my personality, but I was able to do that because my husband was on a conference call with me that day. He just … He was communicating with the agency as well, and so that really helped. I will say that the person who wrote our home study, every single time was a believer.
Tera Melber: Which is awesome.
Lynette Ezell: That really helped.
Tera Melber: Ours was too.
Lynette Ezell: Right. And that really helped in our home, because that’s … Christ is the foundation of our home. He’s the focus of our home. He’s the head of our home, so I can’t hide that, nor do I want to.
Tera Melber: Right, right. It does just kind of help ease and make you feel better about the fact you can share openly.
Lynette Ezell: Yes.
Tera Melber: You’re coming from the same worldview. I think that you just … I, personally, would prefer to have a Christian social worker come in my home because I know that we are coming from the same worldview. I know that’s not going to be the case for everybody to be able to do that, but the Lord will cover all of that and take care of it. But you do have to go in knowing, “Okay, if I’m going to use an agency that’s not faith-based, that we have some differences in worldview. And that’s okay, as long as the whole point of it is to bring a child into your home safely, to provide a family for that child, and for that child to have a family.”
Lynette Ezell: Now, another way that you can go through an adoption is just through a private lawyer.
Tera Melber: Correct.
Lynette Ezell: We were called one day about taking a baby. Our daughter and her husband, our other daughter and her husband were praying that the Lord would bless their home. That was done through … She got our name. We were just connected through a brother in Christ. She got our name and we walked through that with a private lawyer, who’s turned out to be just a dear friend.
Tera Melber: Right. So domestic infant you can do either way, with a private lawyer who does adoptions, or through a domestic adoption agency. Some of the questions that … I have spoken to many friends who’ve adopted domestically and brought babies home. Some of the things that they either asked ahead or wished that they had asked ahead are things like “How does matching work with birth mom and with us?”
Lynette Ezell: Yeah, that’s vital to know that.
Tera Melber: It is really important. One of the things that I thought was a great question to ask is, “Is there counseling for birth mom from your agency?”
Lynette Ezell: Wow.
Tera Melber: Because this is a whole family approach. There is a sweet birth mom who is making a decision, whether or not she’s choosing to parent or not parent this child. That woman is an individual who’s going to need to be able to have help to be able to navigate that whole process. There’s no coercion at all, so that they’re making a plan together and saying “Am I able to parent this child or am I not?” It’s not just about us getting a baby, it’s about this birth mom as well. We need to honor her in that. So what is available to her?
Lynette Ezell: Our lawyer friend, I mean, I have never seen anything like it. She just falls in love with these birth moms. Our birth mom was in a great crisis, in a really hard spot in life. She just has been alongside her the whole way. I appreciate that!
Tera Melber: I do too. Even after the baby is born and placed-
Lynette Ezell: Oh, right.
Tera Melber: What kinds of things … How are we supporting birth mom? How is the agency going to support birth mom as well?
Lynette Ezell: Our lawyer protected our privacy and her privacy.
Tera Melber: Yes, right.
Lynette Ezell: As much as birth mom wanted to, birth mom wanted to know a little bit more about us.
Tera Melber: Right.
Lynette Ezell: Not names or anything like that, but it just helped ease her mind. Her lawyer was just a blessing to navigate things we couldn’t do on our own.
Tera Melber: Right, right. One of the other questions that I think is important to ask is, especially when you’re bringing home an infant, is “How does that agency representative guide you when you arrive at the hospital?” When you’re talking about your birth mom’s in a room, and you’re over here, and so you’re all in the same hospital, maybe she has family or friends and you have family or friends, that’s kind of a tricky situation. Especially if it’s not a fully open adoption, if it’s a semi-open or a closed adoption. Your agency representative … How does that work in the hospital? I would want to know that.
Lynette Ezell: Right, right. For us, our daughter and her husband were overseas. The baby came very, very early. Had to be hospitalized. I remember that moment when our lawyer came to me, and so I was there with the baby as the other grandmother was. Came to me and said “Birth mom would like to see you.” No names.
Tera Melber: Right.
Lynette Ezell: I just stopped outside the hallway at the hospital. Baby was at one end of the hospital, smaller hospital. Birth mom was at the other. I just prayed and I said “Lord, give me the strength to love her.” The Lord placed upon my heart that I want you to go and give her value. That’s what I did. I quickly got a little gift together for her, just some basic toiletry items that would make her feel special, and went in, and I just helped her clean up. She was in a bad spot.
Tera Melber: There has to be somebody kind of guiding that process that can be able to help you, both parties, navigate this situation.
Lynette Ezell: Right, and she did that. Our lawyer did that just beautifully.
Tera Melber: I would want to know how that works. I think that’s super important on the front end. Then to be able to talk to families who’ve utilized this agency. So how did that go at the hospital? Because I know people who’ve shown up, flown to a different state-
Lynette Ezell: Oh, yeah. Most do!
Tera Melber: Not had any agency representation, and then it was sort of a “Oh, call me if you need something.” Well, I just feel like that would make me uncomfortable.
Lynette Ezell: Right, right.
Tera Melber: I think I would want somebody there to say “You’re my advocate and her advocate, and help us to be able to do this in a way that honors everyone.”
Lynette Ezell: Because you need an advocate while you’re waiting. That waiting time for mom, whatever the state laws are for birth dad, birth mom.
Tera Melber: Right.
Lynette Ezell: They have time to change their mind-
Tera Melber: Yes.
Lynette Ezell: Before they sign away all their rights. That’s when your lawyer is very … just a trump card for you in all that.
Tera Melber: That is true. That’s true. One of the other questions, because we know people who have done domestic adoptions and they’ve had birth moms choose to parent after the baby was born. Which is great if they have great support and feel like they can do that, that’s obviously the best potential for the family to stay united. One of the questions that I would want to know is, “If there is a failed adoption, if birth mom chooses to parent, what happens to those thousands of dollars that we’ve already given you?”
Lynette Ezell: That’s great, right.
Tera Melber: Is that-
Lynette Ezell: You need to know that going in.
Tera Melber: You do, because you have to know. And because sometimes the money goes toward birth mom expenses, like maybe she needs help with housing or clothes, or stuff like that. So that’s not a fee that you pay the agency, that’s money that you’ve paid to be an assistance to birth mom. It’s just good to know all those things on the front end so that you can make an informed decision and not be surprised at any point through the adoption.
Lynette Ezell: Right, right. We know from His word, over and over, He whispers in our ear. He instructs our heart. He navigates this, because fostering in an adoption is totally in line with the heart of God.
Tera Melber: That is exactly true.
Lynette Ezell: He cares about every step of the process.
Tera Melber: Yes. There will be ups and downs no matter what. No agency is going to be perfect, but you can find out what you … people’s experiences with the strengths and weaknesses of the agency, and recognize you’re going to be working with them for a long time, and being able to weigh the good and the bad.
Lynette Ezell: That’s right. There are no perfect agencies, but there are things to look for.
Tera Melber: Yes.
Lynette Ezell: There really are. Well, thanks for joining us today. You’ve been listening to the Adopting and Fostering Home. This is a resource of the North American Mission Board. For more information about today’s podcast or our conversation about choosing an agency, or other resources, visit nam.net/sendrelief.
